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11/30/2005
I'm like one of those old ladies with 37 cats
Have I mentioned lately that my body is trying to collect as many non-life-threatening-yet-annoying-as-shit diagnoses as it possibly can? I have blogged previously about the chronic migraines, the Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the kidney stones, but I'm not sure if I've mentioned the TMJ disorder, the for-no-apparent reason very easily infected sebaceous cysts, the eczema, or the Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Well, yeah, I'm a mess. Isn't it fun to be me? I'm not even going to mention that a small mountain range of acne has hatched itself on my chin lately, and it's starting to frighten people.
The IBS is just a constant pain in the ass (heh). I don't so much get the "IBS with constipation" variety that they advertise with all of those people who are pleased to let millions of Americans view their abdomens -- more the EXACT OPPOSITE: what I term "IBS with ANAL LEAKAGE." Seriously, I have diarrhea 3-4 times a week. It's gotten to be a given: if I go to a friend's house and eat a good-sized meal, after about 20 minutes you'll see a blurry streak as I haul ass to the bathroom. I'm warning you, Alexa -- you better have lots of toilet paper ready this weekend, and it wouldn't hurt to have a trusty plunger as well. Does Ikea sell plungers? You'd might as well have one that matches your decor.
The migraines, I'm pleased to say, seem to be under control lately. I think that I've finally found the triggers: lack of sleep, caffeine, and artificial sweeteners. I got off caffeine about 3 years ago (it was really easier than I thought it would be, even though my favorite soda used to be Dr. Pepper and I still crave it with all of my being at times). It was just recently that I discovered that artificial sweeteners are a problem for me.
I had heard that aspartame could cause headaches, courtesy of the organic goddess Jo. While a study done by the fine folks at aspartame.org denied that there was any correlation whatsoever (a study that other sources refuted), I decided to do my own personal study (something about the fact that one of the byproducts of metabolism of aspartame was FORMALDEHYDE freaked me out a bit – call me crazy). Since cutting diet sodas and other artificial-sweetener-containing products out of my diet, my headaches have lessened from 4-5 days a week to maybe 1 or 2 days tops. It’s fantastic! There have been moments when I decided to test my hypothesis, especially while visiting my parents, and try a bottle of the high-tech low-carb caffeine-free Splenda-containing energy drinks that my sister drinks. Devastating results every time. 2-3 day migraines, aversion to light and sound, the whole shebang. No fun.
I’ve heard that sucralose (Splenda) is technically supposed to be better for you since it is not actually metabolized by your body and just passes through your system, unlike aspartame. However, I’ve found that I end up with the same headaches no matter what type of artificial sweetener I use. Interesting.
The one thing that I haven’t given up, however, is my aspartame- and sucralose-containing Orbit gum. In Sweetmint. I figure that the levels are pretty trvial in gum, and that a piece or 2 a day can’t hurt. I’ve tried the crispy crunchy all-natural gums from Whole Foods, but they frankly lose their all-natural flavoring within the first 5 minutes of chewing.
Also, gum is the culprit of my TMJ disorders. Yes, you heard me correctly – I’m willing to sacrifice my health for the sweet, minty taste of Orbit. No matter what!
Anyway, enough about my health. Have I mentioned that I’m meeting 4 of you in 3 days? Oh, I have? Perhaps because I’m looking forward to it to a truly obsessive degree. And the mojitos.
So, what’s up?
11:25 Posted in Not fit for human consumption | Permalink | Comments (17) | Email this
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Comments
If I were there, I'd make you all mojitos, because my mojitos kick ass.
And I'm really sorry about the artificial sweetener thing. I can't live without splenda.
Posted by: statia | 11/30/2005
Hate to throw this out there, but I've read that the artificial sweeteners in gum can cause IBS. I was diagnosed with IBS a few months ago when I was in a big chewing gum phase. I quit the gum about a month ago and have since stopped with the IBS medications.
Maybe just mojitos are the better route.
Posted by: zhl | 11/30/2005
My vice is Extra gum (light blue pack please). And no I don't care if it IS causing my migraines, my skin breakouts, or my aching jaw. Too damn bad. It tastes so good....
Sorry about the, uh, IBS. Good of you to warn Alexa.
At least the Food and Drug Administration hasn't warned us off of mojitos yet, right? They're still on the safe list. I think I'll go have one right now. ;-)
Posted by: Mary-Mia | 11/30/2005
Must be a rough week at work, what, with all the research you have done on artificial sweeteners. You know, unlike me who has so much work to do that she spends half of her day googling Joaquin Phoenix.
Posted by: MsPrufrock | 11/30/2005
I thought I was the only girl with the decidedly geriatric problem of kidney stones!
Sorry to hear about all of the ailments, but pleased you have found a way to cut down on the migraines (maybe I'll have to give up my weekly Fresca--sigh). Seriously, your research skills astound me.
And we don't have a plunger, Molly. Plungers are a luxury item. Probably if I ever start that elusive Metformin I will invest in one, but for now...if your IBS attacks on Saturday The Nearly and I will just have to move.
Posted by: Alexa | 11/30/2005
When I had migraines as a kid, I had those exact triggers, plus bright sunlight.
And my mom has horrible IBS/diverticulitis, so I have witnessed firsthand how much it can affect your life.
And finally - I'm so, so jealous that I don't live in the midwest. I never thought I'd say that.
Posted by: lindy | 11/30/2005
IBS, huh? You mean you don't carry a travel size plunger with you everywhere you go?
Since I'm still not sure what to bring for the get-together, how about bathroom spray?
Just kidding! You know we'll be very forgiving because, hey, you're the fantabulous Mollywogger!
Posted by: Dooneybug | 11/30/2005
Travel-size plunger! Why didn't I think of that?
Posted by: Erin | 11/30/2005
I think I may have IBS, too (but the constipation kind). Well, actually a GP told me she thought I had it years ago but didn't bother referring me to a gastrodoc. How did you get yours diagnosed? I keep telling myself I'll deal with my stomach problems once I have the lack of baby problem under control but seeing as that isn't going to happen any time soon....
I'm so jealous that all of your wenches are getting together without me!!
Posted by: mm | 11/30/2005
Goddamn, Molly. Must you tell these people everything?!?
Hal
Posted by: Hal | 11/30/2005
Aspartame is really hard to avoid! You can't find any gum now that doesn't have one artificial sweetener or another, even the so-called sugared gum. They put sugar AND fake sugar in it! It makes me crazy. This whole gum madness started while I was benched for a year with braces ... I cam back from the Year With No Gum to find that You Can't Go Gum Again.
And the Peelu gum from Whole Foods? Tea Tree gum? Are they kidding with that stuff?
Please, what is TMJ?
Posted by: Mary Scarlet | 11/30/2005
I'm not sure you qualify for 37 cats yet, but you're definitely past the 28 cats mark.
I also have the caffeine migrain thing. Basically if I have 3 or more caffeine filled beverages any time after 5pm I will wake up with a migrain. I wont admit how many months of almost daily migrains it took me to work that out but man did I feel silly when I did. Now if I really want caffeine I have it early in the morning and at night if I want to indulge I go for a cocktail. Oh my, life is so hard.
Anyway, have a fantastic time with the bloggers & mojitos.
Posted by: Sassy | 11/30/2005
Yeah, I'm falling apart, too. IBS, reflux, gastric ulcer or its less serious evil twin, flatulence, cellulite, old fashioned fat, grey hair, erratic acne, arthritis, and my favorite: little cherry angiomas and liver spots popping up all over the place.
Ah, age.
Posted by: wessel | 12/01/2005
that is weird about the splenda. & a bummer. I used to get sugar headaches all the effing time. since I cut a lot of it out (um...except for my frosted mini wheats) it is better.
I feel like I am falling apart some days too - one day I'll just have to duct tape myself together.
Posted by: cali | 12/01/2005
I think you forgot to add your general dental problems to the list!
Have you tried Proactiv for the zits? It's the only thing I've every bought from an infomercial, but damn, the stuff does work!
My soda vices are both Dr. Pepper AND Fresca. But I had no idea that aspartame metabolizes into formaldehyde. That is frightening. I don't know that I'll be able to scratch it from my diet though. Maybe every time I go to drink a diet soda I'll just have to think about my poor little stomach cells getting all their proteins and DNA stuck together. Has to be bad for you!
That's what we used formaldehyde for in the lab I did my PhD in - glomming proteins and DNA together inside various cells. We had to work with it wearing protective gloves and in a fume hood.
Ack!
Posted by: Nico | 12/01/2005
Can I tell you how heartbroken I am that I couldn't meet up with you? Can I?
'Cause I am.
Posted by: April | 12/04/2005
Dude, we're like clones, including the 37 cats reference. I'm working on that number. I was just diagnosed with TMJ inflammation from being "angry too much". ha.
Splenda is the devil's bastard child. As a fellow IBS sufferer, I have discovered that Splenda sets off the worst of the symptoms in rapid fashion. The migraines are just insult to injury.
BTW, Caffiene-Free (but loaded with sugar) Dr. Pepper raaawks. It is the best stuff. Just like the original, but without the headaches or as in my case, the heart-attack-like symptoms.
The best part of mojitos is no artifical sweeteners, caffeine or any of that junk. Just good old fashioned liquor, sugar and minty lime. Mmmm...
Posted by: Ollie | 01/21/2006
The comments are closed.