Mollywogger

I figured I’d better get this up early before MUTINY (yes, mutiny, I say!) ensues – and before the hilarious bitches over at gofugyourself.com use all of the good jokes – so, here it is, for your viewing pleasure.

The Academy Award attendees this year mainly played it safe in terms of fashion – lots of women in black and flesh tones, men looking classic, distinguishable by perhaps only a tie or cufflinks. Because the men were dressed so largely uniformly, I’m sticking mainly to the gowns this year. As you can see, the women that I’ve honored have chosen to take risks with color – and done it well.

BEST DRESSED WOMEN:

1. Reese Witherspoon – This Christian Dior gown is a breath of fresh air among the mermaid-style, somber-colored dresses of the evening. Her hair and jewels are perfect – the whole ensemble says “royalty” and reminds me of a young Grace Kelly.

2. Meryl Streep – She looks FABULOUS. The gown is fresh and fashionable, and manages to highlight her fabulous skin and slender waistline while slimming her arms and hips. The color is rich, and the earrings and bag are fabulous. Wow.

3. Kathleen York – This beautiful woman, who co-wrote and performed the song “In the Deep” from Crash, was the lucky woman chosen to wear the $3 million Stuart Weitzman Shoes. She paired them with this stunning copper-colored dress, which is the perfect tone to complement her ivory skin and auburn hair.

4. Jennifer Lopez – As much as I dislike her, I offer her props for breaking the black-and-fleshtone mold and sporting this lovely olive-green gown which complements her curves and plays off her tan. The necklace and earrings are tasteful and not too over-the top. Accessories I do not appreciate: tight, severe, school-marm bun, manorexic corpse-like husband.

5. Salma Hayek – Va va va voom. One of the few women on earth who could look good in a burlap sack. This year she’s chosen a lovely aqua-colored gown that perfectly flatters her best . . . ahem . . . “assets.” Props to this lovely lady for showcasing her curves, and for being able to do so while wearing satin – not an easy feat! The guy in the back on the left seems to agree with me.

BEST-DRESSED – HONORABLE MENTION

-Jada Pinkett Smith – She always shows up at public events looking flawless. This gown is a beautiful, striking color and fits her beautifully. Good thing that I never have anything bad to say about her, because she could surely beat my sorry ass up.

-Keira Knightley – This rich, deep-burgundy dress is beautifully designed by Vera Wang. While the dress itself is gorgeous, I’m not a huge fan of her over-the-top jewels, nor am I fan of her blatantly fake-looking hair color. The tone is flat and lacking in depth and warmth, and the style is, simply, blah. The makeup is a bit dull as well – the “keira knightley smoky eyes,” which I still get daily google searches for, are a bad match with her otherwise pale face. I’d love to see this beautiful dress paired with rosy cheeks, a rich lip color, and bright, sparking eyes.

-Jane Seymour – I am honoring one flesh-toned dress among the bunch, and this is it. A simple, classic design, beautifully worn by Miss Jane. This woman looks fabulous at 55, and gave birth to twin boys just 10 years ago after two miscarriages and “fertility treatments” that I assume include IVF. She deserves props if only for looking this amazing after battling infertility.

WORST DRESSED WOMEN

1. Naomi Watts – This flesh-toned disaster definitely could have stayed at home. I usually appreciate Naomi’s classic-with-a-kick fashion sense (indeed, the Versace she wore to the 2004 Oscars was one of my favorites). Why she thought it was a good idea to wear this torn-up, shapeless sack is utterly beyond me. Her hair was lovely, her earrings were charming, yet she stood in front of this Givenchy and said, “A dress that looks like it was attacked by a lawn-mower while giving me lumpy-looking hips! Perfect!”

2. Chalize Theron – This dress provides us with a perfect example of “The Scrollup Fug” – the opposite of the GoFugYourself girls’ “Scrolldown Fug” (see a prime example of the Scrolldown here -- hair’s good, top looks good . . . scrolling down . . . OH MY GOD, THE LOWER HALF.) With Charlize’s dress, you start at the bottom – shoes are fabulous, color is original and classy, dress is beautifully-designed and does nice things her figure . . . la la la, scrolling up . . . JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST, THE BOW! THE BOW AND THE HAIR! I am of the firm opinion that bows are almost NEVER a good idea, but a SHOULDER-BOW?! Sweet God, I can’t even describe the horror I felt upon seeing the bow! Add to it the bouffant-with-roots, and it’s an all-around fashion crap-out.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal – Remember when I said of Salma Hayek, “One of the few women on earth who could look good in a burlap sack”? Umm, Maggie Gyllenhaal decided to go for that title by wearing an actual burlap sack. Granted the woman is not known for her fashion acumen, but this dress provides little in the way of shape or color that flatters her. While undeniably cute, with sexy, sleepy-eyed arm-candy, the girl needs lessons on a)standing up straight, b)looking happy, and c)picking clothes that flatter her figure.

4. Helena Bonham Carter – Oh, dear. You can always rely on dear Helena to provide you with a bit of crazy. She’s wearing a circa 1988 blue prom dress with a red bag and white shoes (dear God, white shoes), which is bad enough.

And then there’s the hair, which speaks for itself. Probably literally. I think I see a mouth in there.

5. Michelle Williams – She’s a darling girl, and I’m proud as punch of her for pulling herself out of the Dawson’s Creek oblivion into the Hollywood elite. I hate to have to do this, as if she had chosen the dress she wore to the Golden Globes as her Oscars dress, I would have put her toward the top of my list for daring use of color – but this dress just does not do it for me. While I do like the color (and good for her for consistently choosing to experiment with color), the cut of the dress just leaves me feeling ucky. Let’s put it this way: I had no idea you could have a camel toe in a dress.

WORST DRESSED - (DIS)HONORABLE MENTION

-Ziyi Zhang – She’s one of the most beautiful women on the screen, but this dress was not a good choice.

The black drains her face of color, the neckline is questionable, the choker is off-putting, and the dress from the waist down is just weird. A pity, as the dress below, which she wore for the Los Angeles premier of Memoirs of a Geisha was an absolute stunner.

-Jennifer Jason Leigh – Ugh. This dress is just . . . blah. Boring, boring black. Spaghetti straps and sleeves. Flat, lackluster hair. The Oscars are a perfect occasion at which to tell the world, "You may have forgotten I'm alive, but look! I'm still here and I look fabulous!" This poor girl, sadly, has failed.

Other observations:

I think you could accidentally fall in and never be able to get out.

And isn’t it devastatingly sad that La Parton’s face is starting to look creepily familiar?

For all the lovers out there, the requisite pic of Felicity and Bill, the normalest couple in Hollywood.

A rare appearance of the Chiclet-toothed, lazy-eyed, and crazy-ass-haired Gary Busey.

What is wrong with Jennifer Garner’s face? Is this a case of wacky pregnancy-pigmentation that has yet to fade? Or was she attacked by the bronzer fairy?

I leave you with the breathtaking Terrence Howard. The eyes . . . the chocolatey, soul-absorbing eyes . . .