Mollywogger

The time has come for the deep-seated snarkiness inside me to spread its wings and take flight – for lo, the Golden Globes have come to pass, and there is snark to be spread.

 

Fashion-wise, last night’s Golden Globes were the equivalent of two Ambien and a bottle of scotch.  Seas of black, white, and metallic tones.  I’ve never seen so many nearly-identical dresses.  Case in point:

 

 

 

 

 

Zzzzzz.  As a result of the extreme fashion monotony, a woman who in past years may merely have been considered “meh” may now make many best-dressed lists.  Nonetheless, there were some good-looking ladies there.  A tip of the hat to these beautiful dresses and the ladies in them:

 

Best Dressed Women

 

7. Jennifer Lopez

 

I loved the draped, sari-inspired quality of this Marchesa gown.  It was definitely an original and stood out among all of the tailored, fussy, Grecian-inspired dresses that walked down the red carpet.  A sleek, exotic look.

 

6. Drew Barrymore

 

Drew deserves kudos if only for looking 8 million times better than she did at last year’s Globes.  This John Galliano for Christian Dior gown was the only delicate pink dress on the runway, and its beautiful shape fits her well.  A golden tan and minimal accessories complete the look.

 

5. Katherine Heigl

 

I’ve been impressed with Ms. Heigl’s red carpet acumen.  She draws inspiration from Old Hollywood and chose this, one of the few black dresses to really stand out.  The shape is flattering to her fantastic figure, though I would like to see her hair a bit looser and more free.

 

4. Penelope Cruz

 

3. Helen Mirren

Everyone who knows me knows that I love Dame Helen.  This woman of a certain age knows how to dress herself and does it very well.  Turquoise was one of the few colors that made an appearance last night, and Ms. Mirren looked fantastic in this draped cleavage-bearing number.  If you’ve got it (and damn, girlfriend has got it), flaunt it!

 

2. America Ferrera

 

Purple was another color that appeared on the carpet, and America Ferrera had the best purple dress of the bunch.  This custom-made Brian Reyes gown was beautifully-detailed, age-appropriate, and showcased her beautiful skin and bright smile.

 

1. Jennifer Hudson

Ms. Hudson has definitely created a fantastic fashion sense for herself, and has found a beautiful, classic gown that flatters her figure.  The glowing skin, deep lip color and beautiful loose curls complete this classic look.

 

 

Honorable Mention

 
Jada Pinkett-Smith

Always manages to look flawless.  Has done so once again in this beautiful peach gown.  Kudos to her for wearing a color that no one else was wearing.

 

Abigail Breslin

 

Ashley Jensen

Color!  Hooray!  Ashley Jensen starred in Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s Extras and has recently joined the cast of Ugly Betty.  This fitted red gown is fantastic and she wears it well.

 

Ali Larter

 

I will honor one white dress, and this is it.  Ali Larter of Heroes wears this Reem Acra gown beautifully – it fits well and flows nicely, and her hair and accessories look great.

 

Reese Witherspoon

 

When I saw Reese, I was just struck with the cuteness and had to add her to the list.  This little canary yellow Nina Ricci cocktail dress shows daring on the part of the newly-single Reese, and her sleek hair, blunt bangs, and darling red shoes complete the look.

 

 

Best Dressed – Men

 
Most men were in classic black and white this year, so I applaud these two for stepping outside the box.

 

Daniel Dae Kim

 

OK, I partly posted a picture of him just because I like to look at him.  But I also cheer his individuality in choosing a sleek periwinkle tie.  And I like to look at him.

 

Djimon Hounsou

Fantastic.  The silver tie, the shaved head, the whole look.  Well done, sir.

 

 

Best-Dressed – Couples

Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy

Of course, everyone’s perennial favorites were there and looking great.  She wore dramatic eye makeup and one of tonight’s colors, dark turquoise, and he looks great in a classic black-tie tux.

 

Mark Wahlberg and Rhea Durham

Wahlberg looks sleek and classy in this three-button tux, and he’s got a delicious piece of arm-candy with him.  Ms. Durham is beautiful in this black gown with a navy sash.  Well done, you two.

 

Jack and Lorraine Nicholson

Jack and his daughter look great tonight.  Of course, he’s sporting the sunglasses and the unkempt hair, but I guess national treasures can get away with a little bit of the crazy.  His daughter, Miss Golden Globe, is in one of the best gowns of the night, beautifully detailed and perfectly fitted to her teeny-tiny figure.

 

Ken Watanabe and Kaho Minami

I love the little polka dots on his tie, though he’s another one who would look fantastic in a cardboard box.  He looks good a little bit scruffy, no?  His beautiful wife’s skin glows in this lovely delicate green kimono.

 

Jim and Pam

OK, they’re not a couple, but I love John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer, and they look great.  Beautiful dress, nice looking suit, great hair.  OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU JIM!  *ahem*

 

But not everything at the Globes was sunshine and roses.  There were a few shit-piles amidst the rainbows.

 

Worst Dressed

 

7. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Oh, honey.  Don’t you understand that you are petite and this dress is huge?  Huge and shiny and leafy and be-bowed?  You’re a pretty girl, Jen.  Let’s pull it together.

 

6. Jennifer Garner

Jen #2 on the list usually looks pretty good at awards shows.  But this vintage Gaultier is just a miss in every category.  Shapeless, flat, dull.  As I recall, Ms. Garner does have breasts.  They seem to have been swallowed by this boring dress.

 

5. Jeremy Irons

It looks like the good Mr. Irons was about to step onstage to portray Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet when a lustful wench in bright red lipstick grabbed him, brazenly kissed his vest, then threw him on to the red carpet.  Dude could also use a shave.

 

4. Mia Maestro

This Alias beauty is either hiding an advanced pregnancy, or doesn’t understand that a dress is generally not supposed to resemble a pannis.

 

3. Gillian Anderson

I hate to do it, because I am a hard-core X-Phile (and because my husband will probably not speak to me after he reads this – he’s probably already worked up about my insulting Jennifer Love Hewitt (alternate names: Jennifer Love Hugetits or Jennifer Love Spew It)), but oh.  Oh, Gillian.  As Ms. Prufrock says, “That looks like it came off the bargain rack at T.J. Maxx.”  And I think I wore something like it, black nylons and all, to my 8^th grade graduation.  In 1992. 

 

2. Patricia Arquette

Hooooo boy.  This dress just . . . gah.  It tires me.  I don’t even want to talk about it.  As for the hair, it's very David Bowie, circa Diamond Dogs.

 

1. Rinko Kikuchi

What the fuck is going on here?  Is that a dress or the remains of a poodle?  My god.  It’s even got shoulder bows (remember shoulder bows?  Never a good choice.)  The only good thing I can say is thank god she isn’t wearing those horrific shoes.

 

 
Dishonorable Mention

 
Beyonce

Next time don’t forget, Beyonce – you’re supposed to change after you get off the pole. 

 

Vanessa Williams

And this one’s more like David Bowie circa Space Oddity. 

 

Well, what did you think?

The 58^th Annual Emmy Awards are a nice departure from the Oscars and Golden Globes – dresses are smaller and sleeker, hair comes down, and men tend to dress down just a bit to provide more variety.  As always, Molly is here to provide the gold stars and, when needed, the snark.

 

Best Dressed – Women

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honorable Mention

 

 

 

 

 

Best Dressed - Men 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Dressed – Couples

 

 

 

Worst Dressed – Women

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Least Honorable Mention

 

 

 

 

Worst Dressed – Men

 

 

Worst Dressed – Couple

 

 

People I’m not even going to waste my time with

 

-Eva Longoria (snore)

 

-Paris Hilton (*eye roll*)

 

Two other Emmy pictures that I love

 

 

I figured I’d better get this up early before MUTINY (yes, mutiny, I say!) ensues – and before the hilarious bitches over at gofugyourself.com use all of the good jokes – so, here it is, for your viewing pleasure.

The Academy Award attendees this year mainly played it safe in terms of fashion – lots of women in black and flesh tones, men looking classic, distinguishable by perhaps only a tie or cufflinks. Because the men were dressed so largely uniformly, I’m sticking mainly to the gowns this year. As you can see, the women that I’ve honored have chosen to take risks with color – and done it well.

BEST DRESSED WOMEN:

1. Reese Witherspoon – This Christian Dior gown is a breath of fresh air among the mermaid-style, somber-colored dresses of the evening. Her hair and jewels are perfect – the whole ensemble says “royalty” and reminds me of a young Grace Kelly.

2. Meryl Streep – She looks FABULOUS. The gown is fresh and fashionable, and manages to highlight her fabulous skin and slender waistline while slimming her arms and hips. The color is rich, and the earrings and bag are fabulous. Wow.

3. Kathleen York – This beautiful woman, who co-wrote and performed the song “In the Deep” from Crash, was the lucky woman chosen to wear the $3 million Stuart Weitzman Shoes. She paired them with this stunning copper-colored dress, which is the perfect tone to complement her ivory skin and auburn hair.

4. Jennifer Lopez – As much as I dislike her, I offer her props for breaking the black-and-fleshtone mold and sporting this lovely olive-green gown which complements her curves and plays off her tan. The necklace and earrings are tasteful and not too over-the top. Accessories I do not appreciate: tight, severe, school-marm bun, manorexic corpse-like husband.

5. Salma Hayek – Va va va voom. One of the few women on earth who could look good in a burlap sack. This year she’s chosen a lovely aqua-colored gown that perfectly flatters her best . . . ahem . . . “assets.” Props to this lovely lady for showcasing her curves, and for being able to do so while wearing satin – not an easy feat! The guy in the back on the left seems to agree with me.

BEST-DRESSED – HONORABLE MENTION

-Jada Pinkett Smith – She always shows up at public events looking flawless. This gown is a beautiful, striking color and fits her beautifully. Good thing that I never have anything bad to say about her, because she could surely beat my sorry ass up.

-Keira Knightley – This rich, deep-burgundy dress is beautifully designed by Vera Wang. While the dress itself is gorgeous, I’m not a huge fan of her over-the-top jewels, nor am I fan of her blatantly fake-looking hair color. The tone is flat and lacking in depth and warmth, and the style is, simply, blah. The makeup is a bit dull as well – the “keira knightley smoky eyes,” which I still get daily google searches for, are a bad match with her otherwise pale face. I’d love to see this beautiful dress paired with rosy cheeks, a rich lip color, and bright, sparking eyes.

-Jane Seymour – I am honoring one flesh-toned dress among the bunch, and this is it. A simple, classic design, beautifully worn by Miss Jane. This woman looks fabulous at 55, and gave birth to twin boys just 10 years ago after two miscarriages and “fertility treatments” that I assume include IVF. She deserves props if only for looking this amazing after battling infertility.

WORST DRESSED WOMEN

1. Naomi Watts – This flesh-toned disaster definitely could have stayed at home. I usually appreciate Naomi’s classic-with-a-kick fashion sense (indeed, the Versace she wore to the 2004 Oscars was one of my favorites). Why she thought it was a good idea to wear this torn-up, shapeless sack is utterly beyond me. Her hair was lovely, her earrings were charming, yet she stood in front of this Givenchy and said, “A dress that looks like it was attacked by a lawn-mower while giving me lumpy-looking hips! Perfect!”

2. Chalize Theron – This dress provides us with a perfect example of “The Scrollup Fug” – the opposite of the GoFugYourself girls’ “Scrolldown Fug” (see a prime example of the Scrolldown here -- hair’s good, top looks good . . . scrolling down . . . OH MY GOD, THE LOWER HALF.) With Charlize’s dress, you start at the bottom – shoes are fabulous, color is original and classy, dress is beautifully-designed and does nice things her figure . . . la la la, scrolling up . . . JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST, THE BOW! THE BOW AND THE HAIR! I am of the firm opinion that bows are almost NEVER a good idea, but a SHOULDER-BOW?! Sweet God, I can’t even describe the horror I felt upon seeing the bow! Add to it the bouffant-with-roots, and it’s an all-around fashion crap-out.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal – Remember when I said of Salma Hayek, “One of the few women on earth who could look good in a burlap sack”? Umm, Maggie Gyllenhaal decided to go for that title by wearing an actual burlap sack. Granted the woman is not known for her fashion acumen, but this dress provides little in the way of shape or color that flatters her. While undeniably cute, with sexy, sleepy-eyed arm-candy, the girl needs lessons on a)standing up straight, b)looking happy, and c)picking clothes that flatter her figure.

4. Helena Bonham Carter – Oh, dear. You can always rely on dear Helena to provide you with a bit of crazy. She’s wearing a circa 1988 blue prom dress with a red bag and white shoes (dear God, white shoes), which is bad enough.

And then there’s the hair, which speaks for itself. Probably literally. I think I see a mouth in there.

5. Michelle Williams – She’s a darling girl, and I’m proud as punch of her for pulling herself out of the Dawson’s Creek oblivion into the Hollywood elite. I hate to have to do this, as if she had chosen the dress she wore to the Golden Globes as her Oscars dress, I would have put her toward the top of my list for daring use of color – but this dress just does not do it for me. While I do like the color (and good for her for consistently choosing to experiment with color), the cut of the dress just leaves me feeling ucky. Let’s put it this way: I had no idea you could have a camel toe in a dress.

WORST DRESSED - (DIS)HONORABLE MENTION

-Ziyi Zhang – She’s one of the most beautiful women on the screen, but this dress was not a good choice.

The black drains her face of color, the neckline is questionable, the choker is off-putting, and the dress from the waist down is just weird. A pity, as the dress below, which she wore for the Los Angeles premier of Memoirs of a Geisha was an absolute stunner.

-Jennifer Jason Leigh – Ugh. This dress is just . . . blah. Boring, boring black. Spaghetti straps and sleeves. Flat, lackluster hair. The Oscars are a perfect occasion at which to tell the world, "You may have forgotten I'm alive, but look! I'm still here and I look fabulous!" This poor girl, sadly, has failed.

Other observations:

I think you could accidentally fall in and never be able to get out.

And isn’t it devastatingly sad that La Parton’s face is starting to look creepily familiar?

For all the lovers out there, the requisite pic of Felicity and Bill, the normalest couple in Hollywood.

A rare appearance of the Chiclet-toothed, lazy-eyed, and crazy-ass-haired Gary Busey.

What is wrong with Jennifer Garner’s face? Is this a case of wacky pregnancy-pigmentation that has yet to fade? Or was she attacked by the bronzer fairy?

I leave you with the breathtaking Terrence Howard. The eyes . . . the chocolatey, soul-absorbing eyes . . .

Ah, the Golden Globes.  One of my favorite television events of the year.

 

Each year I, as your humble servant, watch the award shows for you and do my best to deal out the praise and/or snark to worthy recipients.  This year, I started a ginormous post that commented on the apparel of just about every Golden Globe attendee.  Once I realized that my readers would be in a coma before reaching the end of the post, I cut my comments down to a top 5 best and worst dressed women (with two honorable mentions in each category) and a top 5 best-dressed men.  Enjoy!

 

Best-Dressed Women

 

5. Debra Messing - Debra looked breezy yet classy in a beautiful floral-print chocolate-toned deep-plunge gown. 

 

4. Jann Carl – Weirdly, this “Entertainment Tonight” hostess was wearing one of the best-looking dresses at the event.  The color is rich and radiant, and the ruffling in the skirt is a great old-style touch that adds some high glamour.

 

3. Keira Knightley – Keira looks divine in this vintage white Valentino.  It doesn’t hurt that she’s approximately 9’2” and 110 lbs.

 

2. Scarlett Johansson – This fiery Valentino looks made for her and fits like a glove.  A very, very sexy glove.  With boobies instead of fingers.

 

1. Evangeline Lilly – The “Lost” star is stunning in this emerald empire-waisted Elie Saab.  She provided a welcome dash of color among a largely black-and-white-dressed crowd.  Her glowing skin and dangling jewels completed the look.

 

-Patricia Arquette – The “Medium” star looks perfect in the current style – the mermaid-tail dress – with beautiful lace detailing.  She’s also sporting the hot look of the night from the neck up: soft, loose curls, smoky eyes, and pale lips.  The arm candy ain’t that bad either.

 

-Natalie Portman – This vintage Chanel cocktail dress is a great match with her pixie hairstyle and dramatic eyes. 

 

Best-Dressed Men

 

5. Johnny Depp – So sue me, I don’t think he looks that bad.  The patchy facial hair is iffy, and I’m not so sure what the necklace represents (Prince?), but the tousled hair and rich red shirt and handkerchief assert his trademark style.  Plus, who doesn't like a gratuitous Johnny Depp picture?

 

4. Viggo Mortensen – This is a leaps-and-bounds improvement over what Aragorn has been seen in lately.  And, as always, he wears his heart on his lapel.

 

3. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Everyone’s favorite Eko was styling at the Globes. He looked great in a classic bowtie and neat cornrows.  (Insert obvious joke about getting “Lost” with him anytime)

 

2. John Travolta – He walked on stage, and I thought, “Wow.  He looks great.”  The white tie is sleek, the hair is slick.  It’s a good look for him.

 

1. Terrence Howard – The silver tie is a perfect choice for the star, as it brings out the silver in his eyes.  His beautiful, beautiful eyes.

   

Honorable Mention

-Steve Carell - A great, classic look.
 

 

(Then again, it's probably a good thing that he didn't take his shirt off.  Holy God, that man is hairy.)

 

Worst-Dressed Women

 

 

5. Pamela Anderson – The only good thing about this over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder is that she’s covered herself up.

 

4. Fergie – Oh, Fergie.  A belted satin button-down dress?  With RUCHING?  But then again, did I expect any less?

 

3. Alanis Morissette – Alanis seems to have stepped off the set of “That 70s Show” wearing nothing but her girdle and a blanket.  Could this dress have less shape?

 

2. Dayna Devon – Unfortunately, every Jann Carl has her counterpart.  The anchor of “Extra” looked in the mirror that day and thought, “Yes.  This is exactly what I want to wear tonight.  Two halves of two different late 1980s prom dresses, sewn together into one.  Exactly.”

 

1. Drew Barrymore - My God, dear Drew Barrymore.  The dress itself, while a lovely color, fits atrociously – hitting her womanly curves in all the wrong ways. 

 

 

Proper undergarments would have been a good idea as well.  Her hair looks uncombed, and then there’s the eyebrows. 

 

 

DEAR GOD, THE EYEBROWS.  I fear them.  I think they want to attack me.  All I could do while she was on the screen was gape and whimper. 

 

 

Dishonorable mention

-Rachel Weisz – Her hair and makeup were divine, but why is she wrapped in golden crepe paper?  It seems to be heading toward her neck, perhaps to strangle her.  I’d keep an eye on that dress if I were her.

 

-Renee Zellweger – I’m getting bored of her.  She looks bored too.  Same as always – wan and hungry.

 

Other Observations:

 

-Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton?  Really?  Michael Bolton as in “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” Michael Bolton?  As in I-had-a-poster-of-you-on-my-ceiling-at-age-12 Michael Bolton?  He's still alive?

 

-Favorite Non-creepy couple: Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy – how much do you love them?

 

-Poor Joaquin.  Somehow, he still manages to look hot, but he also looks like he could use about 4 Lunesta, a King-sized bed, and four days to himself.  And a comb.

 

 

- Lisa Rinna scares me.  I think her lips just ate her date.

 

 

- Oh, Colin.  Even when you haven’t combed your hair or shaved in a week, you’re still sexy.

 

 

So, ladies – thoughts?

So you know how the latest buzz is that Tom Cruise informed the world that Brooke Shields should have taken vitamins to rid herself of post-partum depression and compared psychiatrists to drug dealers? Well, Brooke's got something to say about that:

"Brooke said that she is disgusted by Tom's comments, which she labeled "dangerous." She also poked fun at Cruise, saying that she "wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-eonline

I eagerly look forward to the Academy Awards each year. I am a fan of the cinema as well as a whore for celebrity gossip, so the Oscars are my personal Holy Grail.

The ABC pre-show, as always, made me want to hurl. If it weren't for the first tantalizing look at all of those gowns and jewels (and Clive Owen, a jewel in and of himself), I seriously wouldn't bother. If I had to hear, "Well, you look absolutely stunning," or "What was your inspiration for playing this character?" one more time, I would have tossed something. Probably my cookies.

Beyonce. Oh God, Beyonce. You were omnipresent. The memory of that first HORRID PERFORMANCE will haunt my nightmares for decades. Dearest, a hint: do not sing in French. EVER. AGAIN. And do not attempt to writhe about sexily while you're surrounded by 60 little chorus boys in sweater-vests. Burgundy-colored sweater-vests. Might I ask, also, why you chose a lovely LIME GREEN and ORANGE frock to match those burgundy sweater-vests? That whole performance was a gigantic fucking train wreck.

But that was only the first time Ms. B graced the stage. She returned, not once, but TWICE more to display her vocal stylings. The second performance, I'll admit, was bearable. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber added some much-needed class to the stage as Ms. Knowles sang a tolerable version of "Learn to be Lonely" from Mr. Webber's musical. She wore a chandelier around her neck, but it somehow didn't seem to harm her breathing ability.

Beyonce was then joined by sometime hearththrob Josh Groban to bleat sing "Believe" from The Polar Express. Now, perhaps those who are in need of a lobotomy enjoy Josh Groban truly enjoyed this performance as well. I, myself, have never been a fan. I am personally acquainted with numerous men who sing better than that asshole. As our friends over at Defamer.com said, "Beyonce and Josh Groban - go together like peanut butter and baby vomit." Here, here! Ugh, enough. Way too much Beyonce for one post.

A few observations on the ceremony and the attendees (CAUTION: a zillion links ahead):

-Mickey Rooney is still alive?! Jesus tap dancing Christ!

-The style this year seems to be those fitted dresses that flare just below the knees, a la "A Fish Called Wanda." No complaints, just an observation. By the way, did anyone else laugh at the fact that "poor" Renee Zellweger could hardly walk in hers? Ha ha, that squinty little tart.

-My husband upon seeing the size of the cantalopes on one of Sidney Lumet's daughters: (in best girl voice) "His last two movies paid for these!"

-Another style? Frilly, fluffy, ruffly dresses.

-One more: The Greek Goddess look.

-Curiously missing: Nicole Kidman. Too weak from lack of sandwiches and pies to walk?

-My husband again: "Johnny Depp is so cool! He has a pocket watch!" Oh help me, God.

-I hate to rip on a hometown boy, but hey Prince: I took one semester of Spanish, and I know that "lado" is not pronounced "latro." You're on international television, buddy. Let's work the titles of those songs before the show.

I thought, overall, a successful show. How about you?

(Check out more snarky Oscars dirt from our friends at Go Fug Yourself, who have created this lovely slideshow for our viewing pleasure).

(Original Comments)

Who knew?

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