Mollywogger - my_handsome_linguist

Every Day is an Adventure

noreply@blogspirit.com (Mollywogger) — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 11:40:00 -0500

I’ve given you examples before of how my husband will suddenly say, in all seriousness, the most baffling things I’ve ever heard.

Some of my favorites that I haven’t mentioned before include his telling me what he would ever do if he was in jail to avoid being raped. Recent ideas include spreading a rumor that he has AIDS or sticking razor blades up his ass. Or, if he was ever on death row, he would eat a huge bowl of chili right before he was executed since people shit themselves after death and he would want the wardens to have to clean it up.

However, this morning’s exchange takes the cake:

Hal: Hey Molly?

Me: Yeah?

Hal: If you ever decide to kill me by poisoning me, tell the police who come to get the body that I’m Jewish. That way they’ll bury me that night and there won’t be time to perform an autopsy.

Me: So, wait . . . basically, you’ve just told me how to get away with your murder. Uh, why?

Hal: Because you’re my wife and I love you and I don’t want you to go to jail.

[pause]

Hal: But don’t kill me, please.

Similar conversation, different day

noreply@blogspirit.com (Mollywogger) — Thu, 11 May 2006 12:10:59 -0500

Me: Wow. The high is only 47 today* - rainy and windy, with wind gusts up to 50 mph.

Hal: What the hell is going on with the weather? Seriously, what is this?

Me: No idea, dear.

Hal: I know what it is. Avian flu.

Me: *sigh*

Hal: DAMN YOU, OSAMA!

*8 degrees Celsius

Just another Saturday with the Woggers

noreply@blogspirit.com (Mollywogger) — Sat, 6 May 2006 14:33:47 -0500

Hal: Molly, I really need to learn how to use a gun.

Me: OK.

Hal: Wanna know why?

Me: Why?

Hal: Avian flu.

Me: Oh, Christ.

Hal: You've seen "The Stand" miniseries!

A late addition to the Engagement Ring Fashion Show

noreply@blogspirit.com (Mollywogger) — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 13:35:00 -0600

(Incredibly long post ahead – skip to the bottom if you just want to see the rock)

I've been meaning to tell the story of how Hal and I met for a long time, and this provided the perfect opportunity.

I had always believed that when I met the guy I was going to marry, it would somehow be obvious to me. I would recognize him somehow, or something about him would look familiar.

During my sophomore year in college, I started dating a guy named Mike who was . . . interesting. Little more needs to be said on that account. However, the most interesting thing about him was that he took the time to walk me down the hall in his dorm and introduce me to a friend of his, Anthony. While I was in Anthony’s room I strolled about, examining things, as Anthony told me about his roommate, Hal. I could see from the state of the room that Hal and I would probably have a lot in common. While Anthony was impeccably clean and neat (the type of guy who wears suits sometimes just . . . because), Hal’s areas were a bit of a mess. Lots of used kleenexes, from what I recall. However, I noted with some amusement that his CD collection was perfectly alphabetized, not a CD out of place. Looks like my kind of guy, I thought. A bit of a slob with a hearty dash of anal retentiveness thrown in for good measure. Then I glanced a blurry picture of him on the wall – one of those grainy, black and white blown-up pictures you can print up at booths in the mall. Do I know that guy? He looks so familiar to me. Were we in all-state choir together in high school? Have I seen him on campus? Hal, I quickly found out, was in a long-term relationship (which began in high school) with Katie. Since I hadn’t met him yet, I tucked that factoid into the corner of my mind and moved along.

A few weeks later, Mike introduced me to Hal and Katie in the main commons at the college. I greeted them kindly, talked a few moments with Hal (who still looked familiar) and went on with my life. (I was later told by Hal that Katie (somewhat the jealous type) disliked me instantly – “She was totally flirting with you right in front of me!” What can I say, ladies? I guess I’m slutty in more ways than just the cleavage-baring one.)

I broke up with Mike later that month (there’s something about dating a guy who’s convinced that his girlfriend is going to hell that kind of . . . well . . . turns you off to the entire situation), and things were shaky between him and I for a while, but eventually we were good friends again (even though, mind you, I was still going to hell). The rest of sophomore year went by with the usual flirtations and infatuations.

During the following summer, my roommate Jessie (who was good friends with Anthony) informed me that Hal had broken up with Katie. “Any other girls in mind?” I asked. “Well, no, he’s just fishing around, checking out the waters.” I believe I made an incredibly cheesy comment to her along the lines of “Well, I wish he’d cast his line my way!” Dork.

That fall, Hal, Mike, and Anthony all became roommates. Meanwhile, my 5 housemates and I had a very pompous, trying-to-be-grown-up formal Wine and Cheese party, and invited Hal and his roommates. While we were all wearing formal dresses and making uneducated comments about the wine, Hal showed up wearing an interesting getup – a plaid shirt, mismatched plaid tie, and mismatched tweed jacket. He and his roommates brought a giant plate of crackers held together by an entire can of EZ Cheese. He’s always hated people who are going out of their way to be snobs. Smartass.

Hal and I chatted now and then, and at one point we decided to get together and watch a movie (It ended up being a movie on Hitler for a class he was taking – oh, the romance! – but we talked through most of it, so I’m not sure he got much out of it). We saw a lot of each other after that, and after a few dates he said these exact words: “Would you mind terribly if I gave you a kiss?” Of course, I said I wouldn’t.

Dating Hal was great, despite very bad blood at first between him and his now-roommate, Mike. Imagine, now Hal was *dating* a girl who was going to hell! When will this demon stop seducing others into her life?!

I particularly remember one time Hal and I walked over to the east side of campus and sat in a beautiful tree with low-to-the-ground branches. It was there that we first talked about the possibility of getting married, and it felt really good.

Hal and I at a dance my senior year. Fresh-faced and dewy, sickeningly skinny, and in love.

Fast-forward to a year and a half later. I had graduated and was working in Minneapolis, he was finishing his senior year. I made the 4 hour drive up to my alma mater a few times a month to see him, and during one of these weekends (late November, COLD, a foot of snow on the ground), he convinced me to go for a walk because he had left his bike over on the east side of campus. I was pretty much sure what he was up to by that point. We tromped through the snow and got to the bike rack.

"I thought you said that your bike had been here all fall,” I commented.

"Yeah, it has.”

“Well, how come there’s no snow on the seat? And there are fresh track marks behind it?”

Pause.

Hal, with anger, “SOMEONE WAS RIDING MY BIKE! THOSE BASTARDS!”

At this point, it’s incredibly hard to keep from laughing because it’s so obvious that he parked it there about 4 hours ago.

We started back to his house, bike in tow. “Oh, hey,” Hal mentions, mock-casually. “There’s that tree we sat on that one time. Let’s go check out that tree again.”

(Yeah, let’s just casually drag our asses into the middle of a field through a foot of snow while I’m wearing open-backed clogs to check out a tree. Sure. No reason.)

Hal parked his bike across the street, we went to the tree, and he made a few comments then kneeled, pulled out a ring, and asked, “Would you mind terribly if I asked you to be my wife?”

Of course, I said I didn’t mind.

Great jubilation followed, I put on the ring, and was pleased as punch. Until some local drunk frat boys walked by across the street and started messing with Hal’s bike. One pushed it over, another grabbed it and started walking away. Hal was pissed.

"Hey! What the hell! That’s MY BIKE! I’m trying to PROPOSE over here, guys!” They were highly drunkly apologetic, and even congratulated us. Ah, yes, our first congratulations on our upcoming nuptials – from a bunch of drunk frat guys.

We were married July 20, 2002. He is still wonderful, he still alphabetizes his CDs, and we’ve shared the happiest years of our lives. Love you, honey.

And now for the BLING:

My aunt and uncle own a jewelry store in Georgia, and Hal worked with them to create this original, one-of-a-kind ring hand-engraved by the designer. I had told him, “I want three princess-cut diamonds, you do the rest.” I couldn’t get a good shot of the beautiful engraving on the sides/bottom, but Hal did well, no?

P.S. -- Check out the rest of the Bloggirls' Engagement Rings here!

Overheard last night at the Wogger home during a "Smallville" commercial break

noreply@blogspirit.com (Mollywogger) — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 11:00:00 -0500

Hal: You know what we should do? We should adopt an alien baby and it can grow up to be Superman!

Molly: Yeah. That sounds good.

Show continues.

Next commercial break:

Hal: Seriously though. I wonder how we could get an alien baby to adopt. Wouldn't that be cool?

Molly: You know that if you continue this line of coversation that I'll have to blog about it, right?

Hal: (dejectedly) Yes. I know.